Some of the most harmful forms of abuse leave no visible injuries. Coercive control is one of them. It is a pattern of behaviour that develops gradually over time, making it difficult to recognize while it is happening.
Rather than a single argument or the negative pattern of interaction that can develop in many relationships, coercive control is an ongoing pattern of control used to gain and maintain power over a partner, and sometimes over children as well (Jaffe et al., 2023). In Stark’s (2007) foundational work, he was among the first to describe coercive control as a distinct form of abuse characterized by the gradual erosion of a person's autonomy and agency, rather than as a series of separate abusive incidents. Since then, a growing body of research has confirmed that its impact extends far beyond individual acts of conflict or intimidation.
Physical violence may be part of coercive control, but it does not have to be. Many people experience it through emotional manipulation, intimidation, humiliation, isolation, financial control, surveillance, or the gradual restriction of everyday choices. Over time, these behaviours erode a person's independence, dignity, and sense of safety, often leaving them feeling trapped in ways that may not be obvious to others (Lohmann et al., 2024). Canadian family law now recognizes coercive control as a form of family violence, reflecting its seriousness and its impact on individuals and families (Jaffe et al., 2023). This reflects a growing recognition that abuse is not defined solely by physical violence, but also by patterns of domination that restrict another person's freedom and ability to make their own choices.
The individual behaviours involved in coercive control may not seem alarming when viewed on their own. What distinguishes coercive control is the overall pattern and the gradual loss of freedom, confidence, and autonomy that develops over time.
Emotional and Verbal Abuse
Much of coercive control happens through everyday interactions. Criticism, degrading comments, contempt, or repeated put-downs can erode a person's confidence. A controlling partner may manipulate conversations, distort reality, question their partner's memory, deny events that clearly happened, or repeatedly reframe situations until the other person begins to doubt their own perceptions and judgment (Choudhury et al., 2025). Over time, many people find themselves second-guessing even ordinary decisions, no longer trusting what they remember, think, or feel.
Isolation often develops alongside these experiences. Sometimes it involves direct attempts to restrict contact with friends or family. In other relationships, it happens more subtly, through repeated suggestions that loved ones or friends are unsupportive, disloyal, or a threat to the relationship (Choudhury et al., 2025; M. A. Dutton & Goodman, 2005). As outside perspectives disappear, it becomes increasingly difficult to reality-check what is happening or imagine another way of living.
Economic Abuse and Control
Financial control is another way power can be maintained within a relationship. A controlling partner may take charge of financial decisions, closely monitor spending, restrict access to bank accounts, or use money in ways that make their partner feel dependent or unable to make independent choices (M. A. Dutton & Goodman, 2005). In more severe cases, people experiencing coercive control describe having their access to money and essential resources restricted, leaving them increasingly dependent and isolated (Choudhury et al., 2025).
Why Leaving Can Feel So Difficult
One reason coercive control can be so difficult to recognize is that it rarely feels controlling all the time. Many relationships begin with genuine warmth, affection, and connection, making the later shift into control confusing and difficult to understand (Choudhury et al., 2025).
As the relationship changes, kindness and cruelty begin to alternate. People experiencing coercive control often describe feeling as though the rules are constantly changing. Behaviours that seemed acceptable one day may be criticized the next, creating an atmosphere where it becomes impossible to predict what will trigger anger, criticism, or withdrawal (Choudhury et al., 2025). Living with that uncertainty can lead people to focus on avoiding conflict, often at the expense of their own needs, opinions, and sense of Self.
This process is often described as traumatic bonding. When fear, relief, affection, and reassurance occur unpredictably and in a repeated loop, the attachment system can become increasingly activated. Over time, moments of warmth may take on emotional significance, making the relationship feel even more difficult to leave despite the ongoing harm. Rather than reflecting healthy love, this attachment is increasingly understood as an adaptive survival response to an environment characterized by alternating threat and comfort (Dutton & Painter, 1993; Lesiak & Gelsthorpe, 2025).
Periods of warmth can also make the relationship appear reasonable, both to outsiders and to the person experiencing the control. Those moments often create hope that things are getting better, making it harder to recognize the overall pattern or imagine that life could be different.
How Coercive Control Affects Mental Health
The effects of coercive control extend far beyond day-to-day behaviour. Because coercive control unfolds gradually, many people experience a persistent state of fear, hypervigilance, and self-doubt (Choudhury et al., 2025). Over time, they often describe losing confidence in their own judgment and, eventually, their sense of who they are.
These effects are not simply the result of being in a difficult relationship. A systematic review and meta-analysis found that exposure to coercive control is moderately associated with post-traumatic stress and depression, with effects comparable to those associated with physical intimate partner violence (Lohmann et al., 2024). People experiencing coercive control also report anxiety, flashbacks, and, in some cases, suicidal thoughts (Choudhury et al., 2025).
One of the reasons recovery can take time is that coercive control affects much more than emotional well-being. When someone has spent months or years adapting to unpredictable rules, questioning their own perceptions, or monitoring their behaviour to avoid conflict, those patterns do not disappear overnight. Rebuilding a sense of safety, confidence, and trust in oneself is often a gradual process.
A Word About Children
Children who grow up in homes where coercive control is present are affected in ways that extend beyond simply witnessing conflict between adults (Xyrakis et al., 2024). Research suggests that growing up in an environment characterized by coercive control is associated with an increased risk of anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress that may persist into adulthood (Xyrakis et al., 2024; Blake et al., 2025).
Living in an environment shaped by coercive control can profoundly affect a child's sense of safety and security. Children may become hypervigilant, feel responsible for keeping the peace, or learn to put their own needs aside to reduce conflict. Over time, these experiences can shape how they view relationships, trust others, and regulate their emotions well into adulthood (Xyrakis et al., 2024).
Naming It Is the First Step
One of the reasons coercive control can remain hidden for so long is that it rarely looks dramatic from the outside. Without physical violence, people often wonder whether they are overreacting or misinterpreting what is happening. They may tell themselves the relationship is simply going through a difficult period or that they are somehow responsible for the tension.
Not every disagreement or unhealthy behaviour in a relationship is a sign of coercive control. Healthy relationships include conflict, misunderstandings, and mistakes. What distinguishes coercive control is the overall pattern and its impact on a person's freedom, confidence, autonomy, and sense of safety.
If any of this feels familiar, you are not alone. Recognizing coercive control can be the first step toward making sense of an experience that may have felt confusing for a long time. With understanding, support, and time, it is possible to reclaim your clarity, confidence, autonomy, and sense of Self. From there, you can begin building a life that feels safer, more connected, and more aligned with your own values.
References
Blake, J. A., Thomas, H. J., Mathews, B., Lawrence, D. M., Haslam, D. M., Higgins, D. J., Malacova, E., Erskine, H. E., & Scott, J. G. (2025). Childhood experiences of domestic violence and its association with mental disorders and health risk behaviours. The British Journal of Psychiatry. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1192/bjp.2025.10362
Choudhury, A. A., Martland, N., & Luzon, O. (2025). Women's experiences of coercive control in intimate partner relationships: A qualitative systematic review. Journal of Family Violence. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-025-00970-6
Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. L. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: A test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105–120. https://doi.org/10.1891/0886-6708.8.2.105
Dutton, M. A., & Goodman, L. A. (2005). Coercion in intimate partner violence: Toward a new conceptualization. Sex Roles, 52(11–12), 743–756. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-005-4196-6
Jaffe, P. G., Bala, N., Medhekar, A., Scott, K. L., & Oliver, C. (2023). Making appropriate parenting arrangements in family violence cases, 2023. Department of Justice Canada. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/jr/rib-reb/mpafvc-capcvf/index.html
Lesiak, M., & Gelsthorpe, L. (2025). The invisible abuser: Attachment, victimization, and perpetrator perception in repeat abuse. Violence Against Women. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1177/10778012251379423
Lohmann, S., Cowlishaw, S., Ney, L., O'Donnell, M., & Felmingham, K. (2024). The trauma and mental health impacts of coercive control: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 25(1), 630–647. https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380231162972
Stark, E. (2007). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. Oxford University Press.
Xyrakis, N., Aquilina, B., McNiece, E., Tran, T., Waddell, C., Suomi, A., & Pasalich, D. (2024). Interparental coercive control and child and family outcomes: A systematic review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 25(1), 22–40. https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380221139243
About the Author
Michele Riel, MA, CCC, RP is a Registered Psychotherapist who provides online therapy to adults and couples across Ontario, focusing on relationship dynamics, anxiety, stress, trauma, and confusing relationship patterns that affect emotional well-being.
Michele Riel
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